Getting a little bit personal.

I want to write a really personal blog entry. But I'm not sure how to proceed.

My life has taken so many changes in the last few years, I'm not where I thought I'd be, but perhaps I'm where I need to be.  Along the way has included a lot of ups and downs, medication, self medication, no medication but misery,  a lot of loneliness and a lot of wonderful friends made, lost and refound and kept.

I finally found my place where depression is not welcome, but sometimes comes in uninvited.  I might only allow him to stay for a day before pulling on my running shoes and challenging him to keep up.  But sometimes he will stay for longer, taking a part of me, turning it to stone and locking me into my own head, leaving me feeling that I've lost part of myself along with the car keys.

He's been visiting for the last 20 years of my life and I am only just learning to accept that I have to acknowledge my occasional visitor, I just don't welcome him with wine anymore and but insist we have an early night.

My ego is of a size that I want to make my world about me and in learning to accept myself for who and what I am.   I've also come to the realisation that if anyone chooses not to accept who I am then I can't do anything about that, because that is more about the other person than it is about me.

While I don't let this part of my life define who I am, it is after all, just an extra with one line, I'll talk to anyone who wants to chat more about this subject and how it affects the lives of those around us.

Safe Art

We all sat in the Black Swann, revelling in our hard work in setting up the Art Trail, ideas were flowing, philosophical debates between the others were binging around the table. I sat and tried to absorb the intelligence that flowed around me, and not let the negative thoughts that so often determine my emotions creep in and whisper 'you're not really an artist'.

Then Jay turned to me and asked the immortal words 'how's the residency going?'

I paused, then launched into a diatribe of how I'd been feeling...

And while the words decided to network around the room and stop off at the bar for a bag of crisps, they slowly wormed their way back into my mouth, my tongue flapped around a bit more, lapping at my drink to wash away the salty crisps.

'I hate my work because its too safe!' The words jumped out of my mouth and danced mockingly on the table.

And then, with one swell foop of creative inspiration, Jay swept the contemptuous letters off the table with a vaudevillian hook.

'Hacksaw, cut em up and see what happens, do something free, thats what I'd do...'

And with one simple sentance, the audience were blown away and the show transferred to the West End.