Getting a little bit personal.

I want to write a really personal blog entry. But I'm not sure how to proceed.

My life has taken so many changes in the last few years, I'm not where I thought I'd be, but perhaps I'm where I need to be.  Along the way has included a lot of ups and downs, medication, self medication, no medication but misery,  a lot of loneliness and a lot of wonderful friends made, lost and refound and kept.

I finally found my place where depression is not welcome, but sometimes comes in uninvited.  I might only allow him to stay for a day before pulling on my running shoes and challenging him to keep up.  But sometimes he will stay for longer, taking a part of me, turning it to stone and locking me into my own head, leaving me feeling that I've lost part of myself along with the car keys.

He's been visiting for the last 20 years of my life and I am only just learning to accept that I have to acknowledge my occasional visitor, I just don't welcome him with wine anymore and but insist we have an early night.

My ego is of a size that I want to make my world about me and in learning to accept myself for who and what I am.   I've also come to the realisation that if anyone chooses not to accept who I am then I can't do anything about that, because that is more about the other person than it is about me.

While I don't let this part of my life define who I am, it is after all, just an extra with one line, I'll talk to anyone who wants to chat more about this subject and how it affects the lives of those around us.

Pursuit of Happiness or the Happiness of Pursuit?

I have been looking into Happiness, which the government is now copying me on by doing a well being study of Uk residents.... I've been interested in this since hearing Martin Seligman's Ted Talk, and consequently reading his book. I have to live with episodes of depression so this makes life incredibly hard for my family and myself at times, but between these periods of intense bad feelings about myself, I enjoy pursuing the elusive happiness.

I've taken Seligman's 3 levels of happiness and started applying them to my life, I have the short term happiness (glass of wine, decent food, the shallower things in life. I have the flow nearly sorted, I can loose myself in a book or making artwork for hours. And I've recently started on possibly the hardest, the happiness gained from longer term projects, gained from helping something outside of yourself. This has led to me volunteering at the local RSPCA as home visitor and home visitor co-ordinator. I've done the initial training (one morning in a room with very old videos, yes video...) and have a meeting with the branch manager next week to start the actual work. I'm looking forward to putting Seligmans recommendations to the test.