Getting a little bit personal.

I want to write a really personal blog entry. But I'm not sure how to proceed.

My life has taken so many changes in the last few years, I'm not where I thought I'd be, but perhaps I'm where I need to be.  Along the way has included a lot of ups and downs, medication, self medication, no medication but misery,  a lot of loneliness and a lot of wonderful friends made, lost and refound and kept.

I finally found my place where depression is not welcome, but sometimes comes in uninvited.  I might only allow him to stay for a day before pulling on my running shoes and challenging him to keep up.  But sometimes he will stay for longer, taking a part of me, turning it to stone and locking me into my own head, leaving me feeling that I've lost part of myself along with the car keys.

He's been visiting for the last 20 years of my life and I am only just learning to accept that I have to acknowledge my occasional visitor, I just don't welcome him with wine anymore and but insist we have an early night.

My ego is of a size that I want to make my world about me and in learning to accept myself for who and what I am.   I've also come to the realisation that if anyone chooses not to accept who I am then I can't do anything about that, because that is more about the other person than it is about me.

While I don't let this part of my life define who I am, it is after all, just an extra with one line, I'll talk to anyone who wants to chat more about this subject and how it affects the lives of those around us.

Red Handed in a Field

I was planning on doing some mosaicing this weekend... but when I tidied my studio yesterday, I found some raw silk hankies and my dyes. Needless to say, my hands are now a deep reddish colour...

I started my morning with a walk down to the Farmers Market to buy mushrooms for breakfast, I was there so early, they were still setting up.  But sunny early mornings are my favourite time and too soon it will be dark and dingy. I love the feeling of being the only person awake, so Maybe and I headed back home to cook our mushrooms and check on the mordanting fibres.

Threads and Raw Silk in the Mordant Bath

The Acid Dyes are applied...

Then Steamed...

And put on the drying rack...

TAH DAH! - Beautiful Colours to play with.

I now have a whole stack of beautfully dyed silks, threads and wool to play with in some textile/collage/mixed media way. Jung often went out and played to access his sub conscious and recognised the value in being creative, so as I work through my Mindfulness & Coaching course, I need to remember that playing is an essential part of my own needs. That and getting pretty colours.


After lunch of vegetarian scotch eggs bought from the Farmers Market I headed out with fellow artist and friend, helping him to chose locations to film in.  He's making another K-Film and needed countryside for the shots.

So a very creative day today, which after 6 weeks of having children home from school, was much needed!

Summer 2012

Kampa Museum, Prague.

Its all been quiet on the blogging front this summer, mainly because I have been having a FANTASTIC holidays.  In the last couple of months I have run the Race for Life, raising money for cancer research uk, taken my kids climbing and horse riding, started yoga classes, been to Prague with my five very clever and talented sisters, been to Wales to visit my parents and spent lots of time on the beach.  I have also set a five year plan of moving back to North Wales to be nearer the sea.

I have also been researching where I want to go next with my life, I have become disillusioned with the art world and got fed up of trying to promote myself and 'make it' within the art scene.  Not anyone's fault, I just don't like having to promote myself.

So after a summer of soul searching and reading and walking, I realised that I love creativity more than I love fine art.  I enjoy the actual making, but really not that concerned with the piece after that.  I don't know how to value my work in monetary terms, because money isn't a priority in my life, even though I do need it for bills, food etc....

This led to me deciding to enrol on a Mindfulness and Life Coaching course, I want to combine this knowledge with creativity and work with other people exploring how creativity can be used for positive purposes.  So from being fairly disillusioned, I am now boinging with energy and excitement over the future and what it will bring.  I'm not giving up my own artwork, but will be making purely for the pleasure of making without having the pressure of selling and promoting myself.

Kutna Hora

Kutna Hora

A lovely walk today

I enjoyed a really nice walk today in the sunshine, taking lots of photos of things to inspire...

all for illustration research. No more words just pictures.

A couple of hours of printing...

I had to make a difficult decision yesterday.  I had to buy gelatin if I wanted to explore a new printing technique and as a vegetarian this didn't sit well with my ethics and VegeGel just wouldn't do.  However, my plan is to experiment with the gelatin plate and if I think I will be using it a lot, then I will invest in a Gelli Plate, a synthetic reusable version.

So to the horror of my children, yesterday saw me heating gelatin to make a printing plate, which this morning, I retrieved from the back of the fridge and had a play with with a roller and some acrylic paints.  I'm really happy with the results and feel that I now have a stock of printed cards to work into, over print and experiment with to make them really stand out.

Gelatin Plate.

Leaf prints from this mornings experiments.

I've really enjoyed making these this morning, a creative couple of hours with some interesting results, its the type I enjoy.  I used to really enjoy making collographs when I was at art college so this type of monoprinting is a return to a way of working that used to free my imagination.

I'm now planning how I can make these more individual, with designs from my own imagination.

Decision & Indecision

I've had an incredibly busy time the last couple of weeks.  From preparing for the Derbyshire Open Arts to going down to London to pick up my painting from the Vibe Gallery to helping organise an Arts Trail in my own town and make some work to show at for it.  I have also taken on the job of co-ordinating a Well Dressing design for another local festival. I'm also trying to get fit by running which is also producing some artwork.

This has left my head in a bit of a spin with the realisation of several things I don't like doing. 

My major discovery is that I don't like selling face to face to the public. I'm far too shy and introverted to enjoy approaching strangers, I can do it, but the emotional effort is just too much and leaves me feeling thoroughly exhausted.  I also find it disheartening and does not help my fragile self esteem.  Even though over the Open weekend, I had some fascinating conversations with people, I still find the overall anxiety too much.

I am not a confident person and am constantly plagued with self doubt, so having to sell directly to people does not do me any favours.  I'm aware that this is true of a lot of creative people.

So I decided to investigate another possible stream of income, by looking into the greetings cards industry.  I've been making doodley cards and have a friend who used to have an agent for selling her designs and I'm meeting her for coffee next week for some advice.

Another way could be to find some commercial galleries to sell my original paintings, the challenge being, having to contact them and talk to them. Again, emotionally challenging for me to get over that initial shyness.  This I find rather difficult.

I feel I have come to a point of making some decisions.  To continue trying to make a living within the creative industries or to get a job and just make for my own enjoyment and therapeutic needs.

I've been continuing with the One Drawing a Day book, so here is a couple of my latest drawings, just to relieve from the inner monologue which has just expressed itself.

Dye & Bamboo Pen with Ink.

Maybe Asleep, Oil Pastel & Onion Dye.

River Derwent, Oil Pastel & Bamboo Pen with Ink

Exhibition Opening for Desperate Artwives

Yesterday was spent travelling down to London to the private view of the Desperate Artwives exhibition which opened at The Vibe Gallery.

It was an exhausting 12 hour trip, we set off at 2pm, arriving at the gallery for 6, spending a few hours viewing the work and then returning, finally arriving home at 2am.  Needless to say, I am fairly exhausted today and tiredness is not a good state for me. 

The work at the Vibe Gallery was varied and curated beautifully.  The atmosphere was friendly and welcoming, good wine and good food was available and later we were treated to some live music. 

I love how a group exhibition always has work that can be related to.  Speaking to one of the artists, I realised I had no connection at all with her piece of work, but could appreciate the power and symbolism that it involved.  I was totally drawn into the delicate drawings by Jasna Nikolic which were just beautiful, but reading her written word, I was left wanting more of an explanation.  But this is something I really enjoy as it leaves me the space to interpret the work how I wish to.

Lady and Ship, Mixed Media by Jasna Nikolic

Travellers, Mixed Media by Jasna Nikolic

Slavka Jovanovic's piece 'Broken' was a reconstucted dinner table and Jovanovic says, 'The piece encapsulates broken dreams and hopes dashed. An aggressive response to a hopeless situation, and yet a thing of beauty in its own right'  Unfortunately I didn't take a picture of this work which was exactly how the artists portrays in her words.

But personally, the piece of work that stood out wasn't one that I could actually stay with, I didn't listen to the whole soundpiece, it was too painful to listen too.  As you approached Chloe Bowles video and mixed media installation, it appears beautiful, a video of a baby lying under a sheet, happily playing and smiling but looking below the video was a darkly painted dolls house, with a single light shining on a miniature table & chairs, the house sat upon a small mat.  The immediacy of the scale comparison was powerful enough, but it only hinted at the full impact of the work, which was realised when you put the headphones on.  I have to admit I only stayed with the real recording of a domestic abuse event for a few minutes, but the impact of what the artist was conveying was immediate.  Every we do in our homes and our lives impacts elsewhere and these 'Ripples' can be long lasting.

'throw a stone into the middle of a lake and the resulting waves radiate outwards fromt he point of impact to the edges of the water, perhaps continuing beyond the shore, invisible and unspoken.' - Chloes Bowles

Ripples, Video and Mixed Media Installation by Chloe Bowles

Any work that has an emotional impact so strong, has to be a success.

Even if I wasn't part of this exhibition, I would have hated to have missed it.  It is definately worth a visit.